“Throughout the day, for example, just checking. Asking yourself how are you feeling right now at this moment. Even just taking a minute to do that can make all the difference. If you're not feeling that great, then ask yourself, okay, what can I do right now to make myself feel a little bit better, even just a little bit, and change that.” - Pamela Sommers

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The Most Important Relationship with Pamela Sommers

Welcome to Imperfection in Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people-pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stress and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I’m your host Dawn Calvinisti.

This is such a great episode with Pamela Sommers. Pamela is an international bestselling author and multi award-winning entrepreneur on a mission to help women recapture their sparkle inside and out.

She has helped many with her personal growth books, Life Lessons from a 40 something: For The Best Start In Life, Building Castles In the Sky: How To Make Your Dreams Come True, Fabulously You Series : Live a Life You Love and Feel Amazing & Thrive.

Her work has been featured in Success magazine, Thrive Global, HuffPost, The Independent, Metro UK, House of Coco and many more.

She is also the founder of an international multi award-winning jewellery & accessories boutique, called SommerSparkle, which has been featured in several publications including British Vogue.

She has helped many women struggling with their mental wellbeing and is passionate about helping women to be the best they can be and empowering them to go for their dreams.

Pamela believes that it’s never too late to love yourself more and reignite your passion for life.

You can learn more about Pamela by visiting her website pamelasommers.com

If you struggle with guilt or feelings of selfishness when it comes to taking care of you then I know you will find such compassion in what Pamela has to share.

Here’s our conversation.

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Dawn Calvinisti: I am so pleased to welcome Pamela Sommers on the podcast today. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:00:07] Pamela Sommers: Hi Dawn, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

[00:00:11] Dawn Calvinisti: So this month of February, we're specifically talking about relationships. And I think when people hear that and hear the month of February, they think love and all the other people in our lives that we care about. But the most important person for us to be in relationship with is ourselves. And so that's what we're talking about today.

[00:00:30] Pamela Sommers: I agree. It is definitely the most important. I think love is the core of everything, but especially the relationship to yourself.

[00:00:38] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah. And I think one of the things that we don't take into account, especially my audience that are people pleasers and perfectionists and procrastinators is often because we are the type who maybe are the people pleaser and want to do everything to help others, so we put others first, or even if we're the perfectionist and we're the type who we wanna do everything just right because we're checking what other people think of us and checking our value based on what others think of us.

This can be a really hard topic actually, when we talk about. Loving us or even putting us first. That sounds scary, probably to a lot of the audience.

[00:01:15] Pamela Sommers: I agree. I think it's so easy to forget about ourselves. We were so busy looking at what other people's what they need, all the demands that are placed upon us that we just forget about ourselves. And I think it's important to fill your own cup up first before you can have the strength, the energy, the love to give others.

[00:01:36] Dawn Calvinisti: So tell me a little bit, Pamela. I know we talked about your bio and who you are, but in in the big scope of things, why is it that you became an author? Why is it that this topic also matters to you? Where does this fit in in your life?

[00:01:53] Pamela Sommers: Well, I, I first started writing really because of other people in a way that they weren't showing themselves love. I was watching the news one day and at that time there was a lot of suicide going on and I was thinking, oh my word, like, where's this coming from? What's going on? And it reminded me of a time when I was, when I was younger, and when I felt similar thoughts myself.

And I thought I need to do something about this. I can't just leave. I need to do what I can to help someone, even if it's just one person. And in a way, it was like talking to a younger version of me. I remember a time when I didn't feel loved and I had low self esteem. I didn't feel good enough. I probably put myself last looking back at it now.

And and I've learned so much over the years and I wanted to share that. And I just, even if it meant someone else feeling less alone, I wanted to help in some way. So that's how I started writing really. It was to help others love themselves more.

[00:02:52] Dawn Calvinisti: I love hearing that. It's interesting to me when women are on the show and they talk about the fact that they are like, that old version of themselves is the person that they're speaking to, and also that I need to do more. There's something bigger that I need to step out and do here, and that they fill in that gap.

So I love that you're doing this. Thank you for being that person who is looking out for others. 

[00:03:17] Pamela Sommers: And in the same token, it's also a loving care for yourself because then you can see the gaps in a way, filling the gaps for yourself as well. Because while you're helping others, in a way you're actually helping yourself too, in that, in that sense.

[00:03:31] Dawn Calvinisti: It's true. It, it's funny when I think about it, I've heard this before, but where, when you try to be really unselfish, the reality is the sense of fulfillment we get that selfish thing in the middle of it anyway.

[00:03:43] Pamela Sommers: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Is it really selfish though? I think it's important you have to look after yourself because like I said, if you can't look after yourself, how are you actually going to help others? You can't.

[00:03:55] Dawn Calvinisti: It's true. So when we're one of these people who are putting ourselves on the bottom of the list, or maybe even not on the list, what is it that we need to recognize? Because I do think that the word selfish is probably one of those words that come through our heads. And we think, oh, well, I can't be on the list.

[00:04:15] Pamela Sommers: that's the thing. I think we've been listening to other, what other people think, our society says. Maybe from your parents maybe school even. I think that's from the outside, really. Going in, labels, if you like. Labeling yourself as selfish. And I think a lot of the time that could be where it all starts.

Because nobody likes to be thought of as selfish. Especially growing up, for example, you have to share your toys. And, even something as, as, little as that can have such a big impact. Because if you're not sharing your toys then you're selfish. If you're out for yourself sometimes, that could be deemed as selfish as well because, and also dimming your light.

Oh, you shouldn't show off too much. Why show off your talents? That's another thing. Cause it's selfish because that's why so many, I think of us today do dim our lights. Because we worry about what other people think and how other people see us.

[00:05:09] Dawn Calvinisti: For sure. And it is something I think that we've passed down even for generations, especially for women because we had a place in society that was under the masculine end of society. And therefore, we were to be quiet and very helpful and caring and doing things for everybody else.

And some of that is great because it does lean into our more nurturing character often. But I think there's also a difference between nurturing right and allowing yourself to be walked on.

[00:05:41] Pamela Sommers: This is right. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Cause it's easy for, to let other people take advantage of the good nature of kindness and things like that, but that's where boundaries come in. I think also it's that self preservation and you having courage really, cause it does take courage, but I think all that comes from first off, you need to be able to accept yourself.

As a valid human being, you deserve to be seen, heard, and validated just as much as anyone else. And then you can start setting boundaries and think, actually, it's okay, it's okay to stick up for myself. I don't want to exhaust myself, for example, when, if other people are, there's lots of demands around, it's easy to say, yes, yes, yes.

But then there's a, that's a consequence there as well, because that could start affecting your health. It can show up in all kinds of way. It could be even like a normal everyday evening, for example, and then something that seems so trivial, all of a sudden you'll have a big outburst and people will think, where's that coming from?

But that's probably because there's so much compound effects of all the other things. And it just explodes from nowhere. So I think it's important to deal with it at the core first, so it doesn't get to that situation. And I think that involves looking after yourself, your own needs too.

[00:06:58] Dawn Calvinisti: I like that you brought that up because I've had a couple of clients who have mentioned to me that they feel so guilty or so horrible after having an explosive moment right where they've overreacted and let it all out and and and even in themselves are saying like, I don't know where that came from.

But I think you're, you're touching on something pretty, pretty serious when we're holding everything in.

[00:07:22] Pamela Sommers: Yes, because I think it has to come out in some way, and usually more often than not, it's when we least expect it, even it could be simple as a, some milk spilling on the floor, or you could be in the middle of a family event, a family occasion, special occasion or something. You had an outburst and you don't even know what's come over you, it could be in all sorts of ways it comes up.

But I think that's a sign that we haven't really looked after ourselves enough. I think for example, if you're regularly checking in on yourself, how are you feeling, but how are you really feeling deep down to avoid those situations coming up? That's been a big game changer for me.

Throughout the day, for example, just checking, asking yourself, how are you feeling right now at this moment, even just taking a minute to do that can make all the difference. If you're not feeling that great, then ask yourself, okay, what can I do right now to make myself feel a little bit better, even just a little bit, and change that.

And then even doing things like journaling, um, just expressing yourself, if you can't say out loud to other people, then just expressing yourself in writing and then reflect on those thoughts and feelings and see what comes up, see what the insights are.

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[00:08:34] Dawn Calvinisti: I often say I don't like to journal, like I'm not a writer, I don't like to do those things. And, I know there's others like that too. But I think this is a really important point because you don't necessarily have to be a, a daily journaler to jot things. Right.

[00:08:50] Pamela Sommers: no. You don't even have to do it in writing. If it feels more comfortable, say it, say it, record it, see, and then play it back to yourself and see, oh, maybe there'll be things in there that you think, I never realized that. I never realized I thought that about this. For example it doesn't necessarily have to write it down.

You could speak it, it's just, I think the most important part is having that time to actually think about what, how you're feeling and just check in with yourself. That is more important.

[00:09:17] Dawn Calvinisti: For those of you who are listening, I think you've probably heard this. If you've listened to even four or five episodes, you've probably heard the idea of stopping and taking account of some things and thinking it over and reflecting. And so I just want to point out here again, here we are. It's important to take the time.

It's important to take the time. And I think, again, this is something that, would you say, Pamela, this is something where people often will brush it off because it's not that important or, time is so important and so this isn't an important thing to spend my time on. Do you see that?

[00:09:54] Pamela Sommers: Oh yeah, definitely. It's so easy to skip those pieces, but then there'll be a time when it shows up when you really don't want it to, and then you've got no choice but to pause. I think it's best to take control of those situations as soon as you can be, because it could even show up in illnesses, and the health conditions in other ways.

And then that's going to take up even more time. So, which is, which is less.

[00:10:18] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, we often don't think about being preventive because it'll actually pay in the long run, right? When you're talking about, taking this time and, looking at our Worth understanding that we are valuable as we are, if we're somebody who has a lot of negative self talk or, has really grown up in a in a way that has put us into that situation where we have a very hard time feeling that we are a value or that we're as valuable as somebody else.

Are there things that we can do or practice that will help start to turn those thoughts?

[00:10:52] Pamela Sommers: Yes. I think first off, the best thing you can do is start tracking, tracking your thoughts, tracking your, how you react to things, because if you can track it, Then you can change it, and you can reprogram these things. So, as you go about the day, just notice, how do you react to things? If it is, for example, a glass of water spilling on, on the floor, do you scold yourself?

Do you tell yourself off, about it? Or do you say, Oh, that's, that's amusing. And then go and pick it up and carry on about your day. How do you react to these things? How do you react to people? What triggers you off? Why, why does it trigger you off? And just notice these things about yourself.

That way, then you can start doing things about it. And if it is like a negative thoughts, I always like to reframe it, try and reframe the situation. But first off, I think it's important to understand why are you thinking that? How, how has this come about? Did something happen in the past? Why would you think that?

And if it is, if you did think it, look for evidence to say, Oh. Is that really true? Is it true or am I making up stories about it? Because a lot of the time we tell ourselves stories about things and they don't, they're not actually true. You probably think, for example, You walk into a room and then people go quiet, you, you might immediately think, Oh, they're talking about me, just something like that.

You're telling yourself stories. You don't know what's happened. Just as before you walk in but immediately you might think the worst. If you hear people laughing you, you might immediately think, Oh, they're laughing about me. That's the stories that you're telling yourself. So I think it's best to analyze those first before you can deal with them and then think, Oh, actually, they're not talking about me at all. They're just, they've just seen something silly on social media or something like that. They're laughing about that. But putting perspective is everything, right?

[00:12:36] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, I think it's interesting, too, when you say, like, start noticing your thoughts because often, right, they're just so natural to us that we think everybody thinks like and yet it's our perspective. It's our belief system.

[00:12:49] Pamela Sommers: That's right. But, beliefs are just thoughts that keep on running and they keep popping up over and over again. But you know, you can change these.

[00:12:56] Dawn Calvinisti: Tell us a little bit about when it comes to taking care of yourself and this whole idea of self care, because that word is so overused and often just sounds like a bubble bath, which again, I'm not against bubble baths. I love a good bubble bath. But what, what else are we looking at when we say that we need to make self care a priority?

[00:13:17] Pamela Sommers: I see self care as self love in action. So I always say, start off with the foundation pieces, I like to call them. And they, they may sound trivial, but they are so important. Necessary. Things like getting good quality sleep, for example, that is so underrated, but we all need sleep, but to function at our best.

If we don't get enough sleep, it does affect our thoughts, the way we think, the way we feel the way we react and et cetera. So, I always like to have a good bedtime routine, that could be like an hour before you go to bed, start dimming the lights turn, turning off distractions, putting your phone on silence, if you can't switch it off, I, I just like to switch mine off.

And things like that. Then, try to go to sleep at a regular time each day. When you wake up, watch, have a morning routine. I like to wake up saying three things I'm grateful for. Something as simple as that can get your mind geared off in the right sense. So you, you start off feeling good because you've got things to appreciate about yourself and your life.

And I pray if you can meditate, maybe do a little bit of exercise if you, if you've got time and things like that. Go out in daylight. Go out in nature, do all these things and, stack the odds in your favour. So have a good day, and this way it will get you feeling good, feeling better throughout the day.

I think that's a great place to start. And then also do other things, for example, make sure you're eating right and healthily. This may seem, but this is fuel. This is fuel for you and to make you feel good. Hydrate yourself. Because, water takes up a lot of our bodies and our brains.

And that also helps the way you think about things, think and feel about things. For example, if you're depleted energy, try having a glass of water and you'd be amazed at the difference straight away. It will, it will help, it will change your state just like that. Play music. And do what, do that little thing that brings you joy.

For me, it's putting on music and having a dance around. Just stack the odds in your favor and give yourself the best possible chance.

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[00:15:20] Dawn Calvinisti: I love this. I think that is such a good tip. And again, it kind of goes back to that idea of prevention, right? Like if, if you take that time and, and block it off to really change the mindset, to create a very positive mindset, your day is going to look very different than if you don't, and you're just reacting from the moment you get up.

[00:15:41] Pamela Sommers: That's it, because it's so easy, like, to get up and then all of a sudden we're in reactive mode. And because you never know what the day is going to bring. You might suddenly get a phone call and you have to see to this. Or you're stuck in a traffic jam. You just don't know what lays ahead.

So at least start off right. And as I said, give yourself the best possible chance.

[00:15:59] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that. I'm going to give an example. And again, I'm not saying that my way of parenting is the best way of parenting, but I just think it's so relevant because my kids are homeschooled, my two younger kids. And the idea of getting up in the morning and having to get right to school started our day off with everybody upset with everybody. And so as a mom, I was thinking, Okay. Really, in my, perfectionistic bent, it's like you get up and you get school done. That's what you do. But the reality is, how much better would it be if they got up and actually wanted to get school done because they were happy, right? So we actually changed it and my two youngest kids play a video game together every morning.

The moment they get up for half an hour, they're laughing, they're having a blast. Then they put it away. They know that at a certain time, it's away and we make breakfast. And they get out their laptops and start working on school. And it's totally changed everything. And I think that's important. Like what you're saying is important.

It can be such a small thing to do, but yet we can get it in our head that we have a routine and this is how it has to be. And yet we're miserable doing it that way.

[00:17:05] Pamela Sommers: Yeah, but I think that's also because you people sort of let... Other people dictate how things should be, and I think it's like time to turn it around and just see what works for you. Because we're all different. You know what brings one person joy another person will dislike but just do what works for you.

And, and also I think it's important to have those feel good times during the day as well. One thing I like to do is, for example, we set a reminder on the smart device, for example, and say, for example, you might say, um, Alexa at three o'clock say, Dawn, you are amazing. For example. And then at three o'clock that will come on and you forget about that because you're busy doing other things.

Then that will come up and you think. Actually, yes, I am. Just things like that to bring a smile to your, to your face. Even on your mobile set a notification and something that will make you smile, things like that. I think it's really important.

[00:17:59] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, I think the more that we can emphasize and rehear, re listen to, be reminded of these things that are positive, the things that bring us joy, the things that, bring a smile to our face, the more that our brain starts to accept and starts to be willing to change, right? Because it is stubborn.

[00:18:20] Pamela Sommers: Of course, but having these reminders in place start, they start to be like routines, habits and everything. And suddenly you're actually, you get used to hearing it and it's good because then you've changed the norm. 

[00:18:31] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Are there things that you would suggest in particular for, for women that are looking Value themselves more that are looking to see themselves on that list in order to actually start putting themselves higher up on the list. I know we talk about, changing the thoughts in our mind, but if there's something that we could do today to say, okay, I'm going to actually be on that list today.

Where would we start?

[00:18:59] Pamela Sommers: I think it's really important to reconnect with yourself. And, it's like, remember when you were younger and you had like dreams and what did you, what did you want to be? What did you always want to do? And then go back to your core and look at your values. What's important to you? And go back to things like that.

And what have you always wanted to do? And I think sometimes it's easy to forget that you have dreams, that you have goals, you've got visions and your values. And I think things like that make all the difference because you think, hang on a minute. Hey, I used to love to dance. Why, why am I not doing that?

And then you suddenly start dancing. You think, actually, I feel really good. And it's like, it also really good because it makes you feel good, but it also validates your, your thoughts, your feelings. And I think that's really important. And I think then, by the time you start doing that, other people see that you're doing that as well.

And they think, hey, yeah, she is good at dancing, and they'll help to validate that in you as well. And then it's like a ripple effect, and then you can think, yes, hey, yeah, I can do this. I'm not, I'm not a nobody. I can do stuff, and you remind, I think a lot of it are reminders that you forget about, about yourself.

Once you reconnect to that. And you start getting yourself back.

[00:20:16] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah, and I think, like, in today's society, often, again, if we're entrepreneurs, especially, we often can feel like we're putting out an image out there, and we're trying to make everything look so good on the outside. And even, like, if we're, visually being seen out there, then we might be, doing the hair and the makeup and everything to look a certain way.

And, and then we end up feeling like an imposter or inauthentic because on the inside, we feel like we're not matching that. And I think you're right, like going back to our values, that starts to take care of the inside and matching it with what's coming out of us.

[00:20:50] Pamela Sommers: And I think when, when you start remembering and reminding yourself of what you can do and your strengths, your values and things like that, then you start looking outside more and looking more what you can do. And I think that's, that's important because then you suddenly, I don't need to compare myself to another person because I'm valid.

I've got things that I can offer. I can share. with the world, then suddenly I don't need to look what other person's looking at. And the thing about perfectionism, I don't need to be the best, because actually I'm just, I'm doing okay as I am, because I think switching that mindset also is about seeing it that you have to be the best, um, instead looking about what you can offer.

And, and seeing things as a learning, as a growth stage, or, and also play, a bit of curiosity there as well. So, okay, let me have a go at that and see how I go, and have that playful nature and sense of adventure. I think that helps you look at it differently and thinking, I don't have to be perfect because actually I'm having quite fun having, having a go at this and see what happens.

[00:21:56] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, just the whole idea of learning something new and trying something out and remembering it's not all that serious.

[00:22:02] Pamela Sommers: that's right.

[00:22:03] Dawn Calvinisti: I wanted to ask you if people want to look at what you're doing and checking you out, where is the best place for them to find you?

[00:22:11] Pamela Sommers: Sure. Well, I have a website. It's PamelaSummons. com. Thank you. That's Summers with an O, S O M M E R S, and I'm also on Instagram, so you can come and hang out with me, and that's Instagram. com. Pamela dot summers.

[00:22:26] Dawn Calvinisti: Perfect. And I'm going to put all of that in the show notes. I know that Pamela also has a gift called the mental fitness guide or planner. Can you tell us a little bit about it?

[00:22:36] Pamela Sommers: Yeah, sure. And basically fitness is not just the physical health. It's also for mentally and also it helps you emotionally as well. And it's there to support your well being. And it's a bit of a challenge as well because it's like a 30 day planner, and it helps you lock in those times where you can do self care and self love and.

Mental resilience. Resilience is really important as well. So you can bounce back up and do those things that you've always wanted to do. So yeah, I created it to help support well being, really.

[00:23:06] Dawn Calvinisti: And one thing I always ask every guest that comes on the show is of the three P's, which are people pleasing, perfectionism, and procrastination. What one do you tend to go to?

[00:23:18] Pamela Sommers: I have to admit, perfectionism is definitely there. It's certainly a work in progress for me, but I think once you start doing it, it helps. But it is a work in progress.

[00:23:29] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah, we all have things that we're working on. Nobody again is perfect or complete.

[00:23:35] Pamela Sommers: As I say, perfection never comes. So just have fun along the way.

[00:23:39] Dawn Calvinisti: That's right. That's right. If there's anything else that you would like to share with our listeners, what would that be?

[00:23:46] Pamela Sommers: I would just like to say that remember, you are enough and that you're here for a reason.

[00:23:51] Dawn Calvinisti: Thank you so much for being a part of the show, Pamela. I love that we get to talk about subjects that maybe feel a little uncomfortable to people, but I hope that people will also share this with others and start to look at it. What you're thinking and start to look at ways that you can implement some of these suggestions and tips.

They were so practical. So thank you very much again for being here, Pamela.

[00:24:13] Pamela Sommers: Oh, it's my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Thanks for listening to today's show. If you found value in what you heard, please share it with a friend and rate and review us on whatever platform you listen on. It really helps get us out to other women who could benefit from listening. 

Check out our show notes for details from the show and to connect with me or our guests. Want to continue the conversation? My website is www.pursueprogress.com or DM me @pursueprogresswithdawn on Instagram. 

Until next week, pursue progress no matter how imperfectly.

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