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The Cost of Perfectionism with Dr Kelly Kessler

January 24, 202433 min read

“Take a look at what you are tolerating? And what are you telling yourself that you need to tolerate to get to your end goal?” - Dr Kelly Kessler

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The Cost of Perfectionism with Dr Kelly Kessler

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Welcome to Imperfection in Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people-pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stress and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I’m your host Dawn Calvinisti.

In this episode I’m joined by Dr Kelly Kessler. Kelly is a licensed physical therapist, transformation coach, host of the podcast Rewiring Health, the owner of Optimal You Health and Wellness, LLC and a mom of two boys. 

Kelly helps high achievers stop feeling exhausted, disconnected, and compromising their health during the pursuit of achievement through nervous system regulation and subconscious reprogramming. Kelly guides her clients through personal transformation to cultivate resilience, live abundantly, and feel connected with themselves. 

Inspired by her own journey of recovering from persistent negative thoughts, perfectionist beliefs, an eating disorder, chronic back pain, and panic attacks, Kelly has helped women harness their profound ability to shift from survival mode to thriving.

Check out all Kelly has to offer at optimalyouhealthandwellness.com

Today we discuss the impact of high achievement personalities and perfectionism on health. We also touch on the struggle many women face in finding motivation without resorting to 'hustle culture'. We also cover the importance of cultivating self-worth and self-compassion.

Here’s our conversation.

high achievers and self care

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Dawn Calvinisti: I am so excited to welcome Dr. Kelly Kessler today to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:00:05] Dr Kelly Kessler: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. I'm looking forward to this.

[00:00:08] Dawn Calvinisti: There are times where I think of, just my favorite topics, my favorite times of the year, and January for me, when we get to talk about health, whether it's mental, emotional, physical, it is my jam. I mean, I come from a natural health background, this is my thing, and I love that you're here to discuss things like our high achievement personalities, our perfectionism, all of that, because Those are the people that are listening.

So let's just dive in a little bit to where do you come from when it comes to, why are you in this place? Why is this something that matters to you? And why do you talk about these things?

[00:00:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, so it matters to me because it was me and it's still part of me, but I've come a long way from where it really, really impacted me. So I've always been that high achiever, go getter, workaholic, don't take a break, constantly grinding for the next achievement. And And it took a toll on me throughout the years.

And I didn't even realize until like recently through my healing journey, like that I was a perfectionist all that time. Cause I never classified myself as a perfectionist because I'm like, well, doesn't everybody like constantly, trying to strive for that perfect result and criticize himself all the time.

And, so I didn't realize that was me, but it very much is. And so. The reason why I am so passionate about what I do is because it impacted me very deeply. Like, throughout my late teens, early twenties, the perfectionist, never feeling like I'm good enough, constantly striving for this, like, unachievable result, showed up in my life as an eating disorder.

So I had an eating disorder for about six years in that time, constantly just, just consumed my life with that. And then eventually recovered from that. And then this whole mindset, subconscious belief that I had, that again, was never good enough, constantly going, never giving myself a moment or any bit of self compassion showed up as chronic back pain.

So in my mid twenties, I experienced chronic back pain. And I'm like, I'm in my mid twenties. Like what is going on? Like, it was scary to me because I'm like, how do I have chronic back pain this time? And what is my life going to look like? If I'm 25 and experiencing this and. Gradually started working my way.

I lived with that for many years, but then now I started experiencing panic attacks. And so I kept having these things come up in my life and I'm like, what is going on? And I didn't realize until I kind of pieced it all together that it was all stemming from the same thread. That it was that constant stress state that I was in.

Feeling like I was constantly thinking of negative thoughts. Never feeling like I was good enough. Always picking out 95 percent of my things, things I do could go well. And I would pick out the 5 percent that didn't and constantly living like that was creating these physical symptoms in my life. And the minute I understood that and dove into that and sort of really healing myself is when those things are releasing.

And so I no longer have back pain. I no longer experienced panic attacks and it's been an ongoing journey, but it has. Brought me to the place where now I can help people who are in that place that I was feeling like, what do I do? Hopeless, feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, burnt out, exhausted, and really just feeling stuck in their lives.

[00:03:16] Dawn Calvinisti: Well, like, really, if this had been me 15 years ago, I would be like, Oh, yeah, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. Like, those are things that I was experiencing. And I know for our listeners, many of them are either experiencing it or working their way through it right now. And I love the fact that you mention like the things that you were experiencing that were physical manifestations, but we're coming from really mindset, right?

And, and emotional end of things. And we are so interconnected, like we are so interconnected.

[00:03:46] Dr Kelly Kessler: Absolutely. Yeah. And that was one thing that like, especially the chronic pain. I, I'm a physical therapist by trade. My husband is a physical therapist. I'm like, I know everything I need to do for this, so I was putting myself through all the physical modalities, manip manipulations.

I was he, I stem exercises, stretching, strengthening. I mean, I did everything for what I was presenting with and I would get some relief short term, but then it would come back up and I started noticing patterns in my life. Like every time I had a stressful event in my life or I was feeling stressed, my pain was worse.

And that's when I really realized I'm like, this is not a mechanical thing. This is truly the stress that I'm experiencing, the, the subconscious beliefs I'm living with. And only when I address those is when I had long term relief.

[00:04:27] Dawn Calvinisti: It's really interesting when you hear people talk about their lives and you see the connections as they as they learn and they grow and they start releasing things, then how, whether it's a physical thing or a mental manifestation, but that things start to change totally completely right in in every area of your life.

[00:04:47] Dr Kelly Kessler: Oh, totally. Yeah. And it's like when you're in the middle of it, you can't see things clearly because you're like, you're in survival mode, you're just trying to get through the day through the car ride through the work day. So it becomes really challenging to have any kind of clarity amongst anything but It's, it's afterwards.

And, and I don't want to shortcut this, for anyone listening. It's not like it's an overnight thing. Like this was a long journey for me. I mean, the eating disorder started right when I was like 17, the back pain was 25. I'm 38 right now, so I would say I really achieved relief from back pain in my early 30s.

So it wasn't like, I had this revelation, things automatically got better. It was a process, but it was recognizing the root causes, addressing those and not, Just the symptoms of what was going on that made all the difference.

[00:05:32] Dawn Calvinisti: I think that's really important to stress that this is a process. And it's not necessarily, going to be done in a month. And I think anybody that that is working on personal growth and changing mindset, changing beliefs you know that this isn't something that happens quickly.

But at the same time, it's usually a very deep seated change. So it's not temporary, which is lovely. You get, you get real change.

[00:05:56] Dr Kelly Kessler: absolutely. And it's not like you go six years without noticing anything. You do notice you gain evidence along the way that keeps you going. So it's not like, Oh, I got to put work in every single day for six years and then I'll get the result. Like you start seeing changes and you desirable changes, things that bring you joy, make you feel bliss, make you feel like there is some freedom in your life that makes you want to change your whole life.

So it's not like you have to do a life overhaul to gain that, you have to make small changes. Those small changes become the next step to the next step of the process, and that's the beauty of it. So, you gain some reward as you go, just by making little changes in your life.

[00:06:32] Dawn Calvinisti: Right now, since we're kicking off a new year, I think kind of the nice part of this is in this podcast, we often are speaking to people who are people pleasers and perfectionists and procrastinators. And really, it all comes under the the idea of perfection of that high achiever. And I want to say before we go too much further, if you are new to the podcast, especially, we're not saying that these are not good things.

There are good parts to every one of these areas. But there are also parts of these that can cause real struggle and stress and, high cortisol levels and things that can be frustrating. Painful and deteriorate our bodies our minds and so on. So we're not saying you have to get rid of it all. I often say to people, I don't say I'm a recovering perfectionist anymore.

Like, I accept that that's where I go to, but I want to work with the good parts of that.

[00:07:24] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, absolutely. That's a really good point. It's so true. I still feel like I, especially in times like I go back to those tendencies. So it's not like it's just gone. It's still there, but you're so right, capitalizing on the things that are beneficial with those traits and not recognizing those as flaws and within yourself.

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[00:07:43] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah, exactly. So we're going to talk a little bit though. Again, for those of you who've been listening for a longer time, you're going to know that we've talked about this before, that things are, there are good parts to all of these and then there are detrimental parts that we need to work on either, changing or subduing in some sense, so that we can really move forward in a way that's not going to keep us stuck and going back into the Ps.

But one thing that I do really want to, I guess, talk more about today is there are things that. In every one of these areas, but especially in high achievers that really lead to system, our whole nervous system having dysregulation, dysfunction extra stress and a lot of physical even symptoms. Can we kind of go into like, what, what can manifest here if we are, hanging on so tightly to doing everything just right, kind of how you were describing your life.

Where, where could this go? Where can this lead? And what are we, what are the danger signs, I guess, that we're watching for?

[00:08:45] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. What happens is that when we were high achievers, you have a mission, you have a goal, you're going for it. And that's great. Again, that's the benefit of it. Like, you want to go for it, you want to have a drive, you want to have motivation. But when the mission outside yourself becomes greater than the mission within yourself, that's when the problem occurs.

And that's what I experienced throughout my whole life. I was looking for fulfillment outside myself. I thought, Okay, when I get this degree, I'll feel like things are in place. Didn't happen. Went for the next degree. When I hit this degree, things will feel like they're finally whole and I'm, I'm feeling the way I want to feel.

Didn't happen. Went for a third degree. Same thing, never felt that. Went for the job. Constantly I was searching outside myself. And so I was that high achiever that would constantly go for things. I would achieve my goals, I would always get those goals, but. Because I was not taking care of myself within myself, nothing would ever fill that void and I didn't realize at the time I kept hoping that all those external achievements would finally make me feel the way I thought I would feel and I just never did.

So, we have the signs that we want to recognize is like, are we, are we, What's your go to? Like if you're feeling a stressful event, are you going to, okay, I just got to work, I got to check something off my list, I got to just take care of this, I got to just have something done, I got to let me take care of it, help that person, let me spread myself thin, because that can become very natural, and that's what I did for years, I was like, okay, things are, seem a little chaotic, let me it.

Establish some sense of control and control for me was like doing work like that. That was my comfort zone So I would say if you're recognizing that like you're experiencing stress and your first go to is to do something Accomplish something external to yourself.

That's when you need to take a pause and start Looking inside like how am I feeling and how does that make me feel is that helping me short term is that helping me long term.

And that's a big thing because short term it may feel good like you're accomplishing something, but in the long term, is anything changing like do you feel joy in your life do you feel freedom do you feel that and if you're not. That's when we have to start taking moments of calm and stillness. And this is really hard, especially when you're a high achiever, to sit still and just be with your thoughts.

And it's again, one of those things you have to just take baby steps into it. Because for me, I'm like, I don't want to sit my thoughts. Like they're, they were making me crazy, taking those moments to be still recognize. What is the driving force? What are you telling yourself? What are the thoughts that you're actually having and just really look at them from an outsider's point of view?

Because are you just achieving things because you don't feel like you're worthy? Are you just achieving things because? Someone told you this would give you happiness and fulfillment. Like what is the driving force behind that? And that's the big thing. So externally, if someone were to look at your life, like it may seem like you have it all together and it may be fine to do all that work and spend all that time.

But if it's not hitting you inside and it's not making you feel a certain way, that's when you have to start taking a deeper look into it.

[00:11:42] Dawn Calvinisti: I like that you talked about this because I think often for high achievers, we do gravitate towards something that makes us feel fulfilled. And many times that is our work. Or if, your mom and it's the kids or the family, right? So you kind of gravitate to the, the area that Is your comfort zone and at the same time as the one that makes you feel good, right?

So, if you're listening to this and, you're, you're somebody who would go back and work more before you go to bed, right? Like that's how you fill that time. Or you're somebody who's going to go and binge Netflix because that's what you're going to fill your time with. If you can't Sit still.

And again, for those of you who are listening, I know that that might hit hard, but if you can't sit still and be okay with just being with yourself and your thoughts or actually be in the moment with a child and get down on the floor and play with them, because you're thinking of all the things you should go and do instead, because those will give you those quick hits, then, like, this is for you.

This is what we're talking about.

[00:12:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Exactly. That, that's it completely. And, and sometimes you're so on autopilot, you don't even realize that you're not doing that. Like you're not actually present for those moments. And, and those at the end of the day is what, what matters, like being present for the moment, bringing, being present for yourself.

And one other thing, because it sometimes can be hard to even recognize your thoughts, but. Start noticing your body because your body is going to send you signals too. So if you get to the end of the day and your shoulders are up by your ears, you're feeling tension all the time. Maybe you can't go to sleep.

Maybe you feel like jittery in your body. Those are all signs that you need to take a step back. And, and so your body will speak to you too. So it comes from both thoughts, but also from body of like, are you just using staying busy too? Because it's your coping mechanism. It's what's familiar. And that's the thing about our brain is we.

constantly go back to what's familiar, even if it doesn't serve us.

[00:13:32] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, and it's interesting because we're, our brain is just trying to protect us, right? So if it thinks that that is safer than the other, it'll choose it even if it's not actually physically good for us.

[00:13:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yes, exactly. That's 100 percent right. Yeah. And it's gonna, it wants to repeat patterns because that is safe. It's predictable. If you work all night and you're checking things off your list, you're taking care of everyone and everything. And you've done this for the last five years. Your brain knows that that in a way is safe because it's predictable and knows what the outcome of that's going to be.

But for you to sit silently, listen to your thoughts, feel your emotions, that's foreign. That is so uncomfortable for your system. And it's also, it's going to just have this like internal resistance to that initially. So when you start, just expect that it's going to feel uncomfortable, but it means you're actually going in the right direction because with discomfort comes growth.

[00:14:25] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, that's a really good point. Do you find that as you're, talking to women and you're working through things, or you're hearing from other people, where they're at, is there ever a point where, where a high achiever can feel like, okay, I still have motivation and drive, like, they don't have to let go of that in order to have that downtime?

[00:14:45] Dr Kelly Kessler: 100 percent Yeah, it actually both the arises everything up in your life. So when you start honoring your own needs, it's not mutually exclusive. It's not like self care or work like what you'll find is that a rising tide raises all ships. So when you start to rise yourself, Elevate your energy, take the time to actually honor yourself, feel like you are in a place that is more resilient mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, you're going to notice that you have more patience and time and effort and motivation and energy for everything else in your life.

So when you take care of yourself, you become a better mom for many reasons, because. First of all, you're taking care of yourself. You're elevating your energy. Now you can be with your kids, but also kids learn by seeing what you're doing. So if you're taking care of yourself, they're going to learn that I need to take care of myself.

So you automatically become a better mom because you're teaching your kids through your actions. You also become better at Doing your business as well, because when you have better energy, when you are showing up with good intention, when you are in a good place, your whole, you're feeling like you are in a, in a elevated state.

Now, everything becomes clear. You're not in survival mode. So your brain actually functions better. It sees things. And there's a beautiful place part in our brain because it's called the reticular activating system. And what that does is filter out the world. So when you are taking care of yourself and you start to set intentions for the day, I'm going to see what's beautiful in the world.

I'm going to see how the world is working for me. Everything is abundant around me. Now your brain actually starts to see more evidence. of that in the world, versus if you say, I'm drained, I'm exhausted, I don't know how much longer I can keep going, your brain will find evidence to prove that. So no matter how you go about it, your brain will find evidence for either one.

So why not choose to see the abundance rather than the scarcity that we often get stuck in?

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[00:16:35] Dawn Calvinisti: I think often these days we hear about hustle culture. And then I hear the opposite end, right, is the burnout that happened because of that hustle. And I'm, I'm finding that many women that come and speak to me are in the stage where they want to have motivation. They want to have goals. They want to have that drive, but because they've now stepped back.

They're almost at that point where I'm afraid, like, I don't know, I don't know how to have that without going all in. And so I see such a struggle there in being able to understand, like, it isn't all or nothing. And yes, you can choose to still hustle in a sense, like, you can still choose to be motivated to do things.

But that doesn't mean that you can't. Take time out in your day. That doesn't mean you can't pursue it with a different intention and different way of looking at it.

[00:17:28] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, a hundred percent. Like you don't have to overhaul your life to actually get benefit from that. Like it's actually the small things that make all the difference. So when you start to take small action, your brain sees that as evidence and your brain loves evidence. So that becomes safe. So when you take a small action, even if it's like, I have a meeting, I'm going to take two minutes to do breath work before this meeting, and then you feel a little bit better, that becomes the evidence like, Oh, okay.

I did that. It worked. I felt better. I'm still getting the results. My business is still thriving. Even though I took that two minutes build on that so you don't have to spend an hour of time taking care of yourself. It can literally be two minutes here and there and just start adding that in. Do the smallest thing possible today even if it's one minute of anything.

Just start giving your brain the evidence that even though I'm incorporating more of the self care. I, my business is not suffering because of that. And you may actually, what you probably see is that you're actually thriving because of that. And then that becomes even stronger evidence, especially as a higher achiever, when your business is thriving and you're taking care of yourself.

You're like, okay, this works as a beautiful combination. So start giving yourself that evidence.

[00:18:35] Dawn Calvinisti: It's interesting, too. Like you're saying, just take a couple of minutes. And I think, again, for high achievers, perfectionist people out there, you might be thinking like, oh, like, I have to go all that way now, or I have to do it all, like, I have to take that whole hour. And I think that's the funny part, is, is understanding your nature to tend to be that way and be able to say, okay, This is something that is a small thing.

This is not something that is, okay, now I'm going to spend two hours every day. I'm going to put it in my schedule. I'm going to make sure it's all there. Like, here we are in January. It's the beginning of a new year. The start doesn't have to be the New Year's resolution of I'm going to lose, 20 pounds in 10 days.

No, it's I'm going to make this small change and I'm going to implement it every day.

[00:19:19] Dr Kelly Kessler: Exactly. That's spot on. Yeah. And I can tell you like what I do is I bookend my day. I start my day out with 10, 15 minutes of something that serves me and it changes. It grows with me. And then I end my day with 10, 15 minutes of something that serves me. But what makes all the difference are those little things.

Like even before I just got on this podcast, like anytime I get on a podcast, like I do some breathing, I shake it out. I say like, let, let The messages flow through me, good intentions, like, it's just a two minute routine I have, but it helps me transition my brain into the next thing. So, I was just lecturing and now I'm doing this, like, I have these transitional things built in.

It doesn't take a lot of time, but it makes such a difference for showing up in the way that you want to show up for each thing in your life.

[00:20:03] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you do that. That is awesome. I think often when we're, we're going through our day, we've become really routined for many of us, or if we're the, kind of fly by the seat of our pants type, we still tend to do it the same way. Like, I love my, my people who just like love to do it spontaneously, but you still do it spontaneously the same way you usually do it.

[00:20:25] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yep, 100%. Yes, exactly. Again, you get ingrained into the patterns of what you're used to, but yeah, if you can start changing those habits, just add a little thing, then now that becomes your new familiar, and that's the beauty of it. You don't have to be consciously aware of like, Okay, now it's two minutes of self care time, like it, you, you just find that like that's your next go to like maybe for you it's scrolling through your phone when you have, a few minutes in between meetings.

Now you just replace that with something that serves you and so it doesn't have to be this overhaul like maybe you add it on to your morning coffee you do morning coffee you don't have to take the morning coffee out just say okay that's my new trigger for doing something better.

[00:21:05] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, I love when we can use those natural reminders. Like, we do this all the time anyway. We're just going to do this other thing at the same time. That's a great tip.

When it comes to being able to connect in with you and, kind of follow everything that you're up to and doing, what's a good place for us to look for you?

[00:21:19] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, probably the best place that you can kind of get everywhere is on my website. It's optimal you, Y O U, healthandwellness. com. So, and then I'm on all socials under Dr. Kelly Kessler.

[00:21:30] Dawn Calvinisti: Perfect. The other thing I know that you have a free quiz that you're giving us called uncover your high achiever type. Are you at risk for compromised wellbeing? So can you tell us a little bit about what we'll find out with this?

[00:21:41] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, so it's a it's a quiz really just to bring awareness of like, how are how well are you doing? So it puts you in four different categories. So if you're really crushing it, you got everything going, you're well being game, you are a harmonious high achiever. So that is like the level like you're doing everything well, keep going, the other level will be like the productivity prioritizer, like, Everything is about productivity that like self care is not even on your radar.

Like, you're not even looking at that. And then there's a high achieving overextender. So you recognize that you need to have self care, but you don't normally know how to integrate it. You're trying you think it's important, but it's just not happening. And then, then there's a fourth one that's very similar to that, but a little bit more into the self care, but it looks at your sleep, your energy levels what you prioritize, some subconscious beliefs about productivity, achievement work.

It takes a look at your support system, whether you feel like you always have to do everything on your own. So it looks at all aspects of your life and then it really puts you into kind of where you are and. gives you really just the awareness of how can you start to move your life forward so you don't have to feel disconnected, you don't have to sacrifice your time with your kids not feeling present, you don't have to feel negative thoughts all the time, so that you can move out of that place.

[00:22:55] Dawn Calvinisti: One thing I always ask every single person that comes on is where are you when it comes to the three P's? Are you more of a people pleaser? Are you more of a perfectionist or are you more of a procrastinator?

[00:23:08] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, it's a really good question. I would say probably right now the perfectionism is showing up a little bit more. Yeah, I think that's, that's the place where it's like, I have to remind myself I have to be very aware of that showing up because it sneaks in where it's like I'll get stuck and then that leads to that procrastination.

So for me it is like reminding myself to like celebrate my wins to not feel like I have to focus on everything that's not going well focus on everything that I need to do better and so I make a very conscious effort of like At the day, I literally journal like what went well today so that it's, it's built into my routine because I have the tendency, my natural state is to be very like negative, very self critical, like that's my familiar place for me.

So I have things in place to get more removed from that perfectionism tendencies, but for me, that's still one of those things I have to be very aware of. That's. Still in the background of my life.

[00:24:05] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you share that because the reality is we all struggle with one or all three of these. And the fact that you are using some tools to help you, be aware to recognize it to help you move out of it more often. I mean, I think that's the thing is. Is the more that we practice, right? The more that we practice, it's not that it just goes away.

And again, it's that long term, change. But I love that, that you're telling us, like, these are the things that I need to do to do that. And so there's nothing wrong with that. Those are good things to be doing.

[00:24:35] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And it is like the best thing about it was just having that awareness that like, I don't have to live like this. I'm now that I've experienced like not living like this every day, it makes me not want to go back into this tendency. So it makes me want to incorporate those things daily.

That keeps me in a better place. So I don't get into some of those more natural states that I tend to get into.

[00:24:57] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah. If there's anything else that you would like to share, what would it be?

[00:25:03] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah I think the biggest thing for me and this was a quote that I heard that literally like changed everything is you get more of what you tolerate and I didn't realize in my life I tolerate so many things because I thought I had to put my dues in. I thought this is just how it is. I have to just do it step wise.

This is how everything goes. I was listening subconsciously to what I was told would bring me happiness in life and And through it all, I was tolerating bad things in my life. I tolerated people overstepping their boundaries, taking advantage of me. I tolerated jobs that I stayed in way too long. I tolerated working all hours of the day, thinking that this is just a means to an end.

And so I would say for anyone listening, like. Take a look at like, what are you tolerating? And what are you telling yourself that you need to tolerate to get your end goal? And even before that, what is your end goal? What do you want your ideal life to look like? What does that dream situation look like?

Because for me, I felt like I was figuring out as I was going. I didn't know what I wanted because I didn't know I was capable of having more than what I was having at that time. So that would be my recommendation.

[00:26:09] Dawn Calvinisti: That is awesome. What a great thing to be looking at and evaluating as you're going through your life. Like, what am I tolerating right now? Make sure that you check out the show notes. Everything there will have the quiz that you can take a look at. You can connect in with Dr. Kelly so that you can be a part of her community, see what she's up to, listen to more of what she's doing.

And don't forget that if you're loving this or there's something that's where you're like, Oh, that is such an important thing for people to know, share it with a friend, share this, this session with a friend, because again, you're the person who's learning and willing to listen. And sometimes others need to have the door opened so that they too can start recognizing and becoming aware.

And that's really what we're talking about. Thank you so much, Dr. Kelly, for being here today. I so appreciate your wisdom and everything that you shared with us.

[00:26:57] Dr Kelly Kessler: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on. I really enjoyed this.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Thanks for listening to today's show. If you found value in what you heard, please share it with a friend and rate and review us on whatever platform you listen on. It really helps get us out to other women who could benefit from listening. 

Check out our show notes for details from the show and to connect with me or our guests. Want to continue the conversation? My website is www.pursueprogress.com or DM me @pursueprogresswithdawn on Instagram. 

Until next week, pursue progress no matter how imperfectly.


Links from this episode:

CONNECT WITH DAWN:

Website: https://www.pursueprogress.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pursueprogresswithdawn.com

Imperfection in Progress Podcast: https://www.pursueprogress.com/podcast

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CONNECT WITH KELLY:

Website: https://www.optimalyouhealthandwellness.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drkellykessler

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/drkellykessler/

LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/drkellykessler/

Free Gift: Quiz - Uncover your High Achiever Type: Are you at risk for compromised well-being?

Link to Free Gift: https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/6523f5d49071fa0014122162

OTHER RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS PODCAST:

Umbrella Virtual Solutions: https://www.umbrellavs.com

Book Your Free 30 Minute Strategy Call with the host, Dawn Calvinisti: https://link.theviphub.ca/widget/bookings/dawncalvinisti/strategy

Coming from a background of natural health Dawn has owned multiple businesses as a doula, a childbirth educator, a homeopath and eventually an essential oil based network marketing business.

Dawn spent 7 years building this business to multiple six-figures and reached the top 3% of leaders in just under 3 years.

As a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and procrastinator herself, Dawn created online  summits for women who want to move away from these 3 P’s and find more joy and less stress in life.

She has spoken internationally on multiple podcasts and online summits to inspire women to put themselves on their to-do list without apology. To bring her message to even more women, she launched her podcast “Imperfection in Progress” in January 2023 with a membership site to create community and provide accountability.

Dawn Calvinisti

Coming from a background of natural health Dawn has owned multiple businesses as a doula, a childbirth educator, a homeopath and eventually an essential oil based network marketing business. Dawn spent 7 years building this business to multiple six-figures and reached the top 3% of leaders in just under 3 years. As a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and procrastinator herself, Dawn created online summits for women who want to move away from these 3 P’s and find more joy and less stress in life. She has spoken internationally on multiple podcasts and online summits to inspire women to put themselves on their to-do list without apology. To bring her message to even more women, she launched her podcast “Imperfection in Progress” in January 2023 with a membership site to create community and provide accountability.

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The Cost of Perfectionism with Dr Kelly Kessler

January 24, 202433 min read

“Take a look at what you are tolerating? And what are you telling yourself that you need to tolerate to get to your end goal?” - Dr Kelly Kessler

CLICK HERE FOR FULL EPISODE

The Cost of Perfectionism with Dr Kelly Kessler

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Welcome to Imperfection in Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people-pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stress and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I’m your host Dawn Calvinisti.

In this episode I’m joined by Dr Kelly Kessler. Kelly is a licensed physical therapist, transformation coach, host of the podcast Rewiring Health, the owner of Optimal You Health and Wellness, LLC and a mom of two boys. 

Kelly helps high achievers stop feeling exhausted, disconnected, and compromising their health during the pursuit of achievement through nervous system regulation and subconscious reprogramming. Kelly guides her clients through personal transformation to cultivate resilience, live abundantly, and feel connected with themselves. 

Inspired by her own journey of recovering from persistent negative thoughts, perfectionist beliefs, an eating disorder, chronic back pain, and panic attacks, Kelly has helped women harness their profound ability to shift from survival mode to thriving.

Check out all Kelly has to offer at optimalyouhealthandwellness.com

Today we discuss the impact of high achievement personalities and perfectionism on health. We also touch on the struggle many women face in finding motivation without resorting to 'hustle culture'. We also cover the importance of cultivating self-worth and self-compassion.

Here’s our conversation.

high achievers and self care

Episode Transcript

[00:00:00] Dawn Calvinisti: I am so excited to welcome Dr. Kelly Kessler today to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:00:05] Dr Kelly Kessler: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. I'm looking forward to this.

[00:00:08] Dawn Calvinisti: There are times where I think of, just my favorite topics, my favorite times of the year, and January for me, when we get to talk about health, whether it's mental, emotional, physical, it is my jam. I mean, I come from a natural health background, this is my thing, and I love that you're here to discuss things like our high achievement personalities, our perfectionism, all of that, because Those are the people that are listening.

So let's just dive in a little bit to where do you come from when it comes to, why are you in this place? Why is this something that matters to you? And why do you talk about these things?

[00:00:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, so it matters to me because it was me and it's still part of me, but I've come a long way from where it really, really impacted me. So I've always been that high achiever, go getter, workaholic, don't take a break, constantly grinding for the next achievement. And And it took a toll on me throughout the years.

And I didn't even realize until like recently through my healing journey, like that I was a perfectionist all that time. Cause I never classified myself as a perfectionist because I'm like, well, doesn't everybody like constantly, trying to strive for that perfect result and criticize himself all the time.

And, so I didn't realize that was me, but it very much is. And so. The reason why I am so passionate about what I do is because it impacted me very deeply. Like, throughout my late teens, early twenties, the perfectionist, never feeling like I'm good enough, constantly striving for this, like, unachievable result, showed up in my life as an eating disorder.

So I had an eating disorder for about six years in that time, constantly just, just consumed my life with that. And then eventually recovered from that. And then this whole mindset, subconscious belief that I had, that again, was never good enough, constantly going, never giving myself a moment or any bit of self compassion showed up as chronic back pain.

So in my mid twenties, I experienced chronic back pain. And I'm like, I'm in my mid twenties. Like what is going on? Like, it was scary to me because I'm like, how do I have chronic back pain this time? And what is my life going to look like? If I'm 25 and experiencing this and. Gradually started working my way.

I lived with that for many years, but then now I started experiencing panic attacks. And so I kept having these things come up in my life and I'm like, what is going on? And I didn't realize until I kind of pieced it all together that it was all stemming from the same thread. That it was that constant stress state that I was in.

Feeling like I was constantly thinking of negative thoughts. Never feeling like I was good enough. Always picking out 95 percent of my things, things I do could go well. And I would pick out the 5 percent that didn't and constantly living like that was creating these physical symptoms in my life. And the minute I understood that and dove into that and sort of really healing myself is when those things are releasing.

And so I no longer have back pain. I no longer experienced panic attacks and it's been an ongoing journey, but it has. Brought me to the place where now I can help people who are in that place that I was feeling like, what do I do? Hopeless, feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, burnt out, exhausted, and really just feeling stuck in their lives.

[00:03:16] Dawn Calvinisti: Well, like, really, if this had been me 15 years ago, I would be like, Oh, yeah, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. Like, those are things that I was experiencing. And I know for our listeners, many of them are either experiencing it or working their way through it right now. And I love the fact that you mention like the things that you were experiencing that were physical manifestations, but we're coming from really mindset, right?

And, and emotional end of things. And we are so interconnected, like we are so interconnected.

[00:03:46] Dr Kelly Kessler: Absolutely. Yeah. And that was one thing that like, especially the chronic pain. I, I'm a physical therapist by trade. My husband is a physical therapist. I'm like, I know everything I need to do for this, so I was putting myself through all the physical modalities, manip manipulations.

I was he, I stem exercises, stretching, strengthening. I mean, I did everything for what I was presenting with and I would get some relief short term, but then it would come back up and I started noticing patterns in my life. Like every time I had a stressful event in my life or I was feeling stressed, my pain was worse.

And that's when I really realized I'm like, this is not a mechanical thing. This is truly the stress that I'm experiencing, the, the subconscious beliefs I'm living with. And only when I address those is when I had long term relief.

[00:04:27] Dawn Calvinisti: It's really interesting when you hear people talk about their lives and you see the connections as they as they learn and they grow and they start releasing things, then how, whether it's a physical thing or a mental manifestation, but that things start to change totally completely right in in every area of your life.

[00:04:47] Dr Kelly Kessler: Oh, totally. Yeah. And it's like when you're in the middle of it, you can't see things clearly because you're like, you're in survival mode, you're just trying to get through the day through the car ride through the work day. So it becomes really challenging to have any kind of clarity amongst anything but It's, it's afterwards.

And, and I don't want to shortcut this, for anyone listening. It's not like it's an overnight thing. Like this was a long journey for me. I mean, the eating disorder started right when I was like 17, the back pain was 25. I'm 38 right now, so I would say I really achieved relief from back pain in my early 30s.

So it wasn't like, I had this revelation, things automatically got better. It was a process, but it was recognizing the root causes, addressing those and not, Just the symptoms of what was going on that made all the difference.

[00:05:32] Dawn Calvinisti: I think that's really important to stress that this is a process. And it's not necessarily, going to be done in a month. And I think anybody that that is working on personal growth and changing mindset, changing beliefs you know that this isn't something that happens quickly.

But at the same time, it's usually a very deep seated change. So it's not temporary, which is lovely. You get, you get real change.

[00:05:56] Dr Kelly Kessler: absolutely. And it's not like you go six years without noticing anything. You do notice you gain evidence along the way that keeps you going. So it's not like, Oh, I got to put work in every single day for six years and then I'll get the result. Like you start seeing changes and you desirable changes, things that bring you joy, make you feel bliss, make you feel like there is some freedom in your life that makes you want to change your whole life.

So it's not like you have to do a life overhaul to gain that, you have to make small changes. Those small changes become the next step to the next step of the process, and that's the beauty of it. So, you gain some reward as you go, just by making little changes in your life.

[00:06:32] Dawn Calvinisti: Right now, since we're kicking off a new year, I think kind of the nice part of this is in this podcast, we often are speaking to people who are people pleasers and perfectionists and procrastinators. And really, it all comes under the the idea of perfection of that high achiever. And I want to say before we go too much further, if you are new to the podcast, especially, we're not saying that these are not good things.

There are good parts to every one of these areas. But there are also parts of these that can cause real struggle and stress and, high cortisol levels and things that can be frustrating. Painful and deteriorate our bodies our minds and so on. So we're not saying you have to get rid of it all. I often say to people, I don't say I'm a recovering perfectionist anymore.

Like, I accept that that's where I go to, but I want to work with the good parts of that.

[00:07:24] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, absolutely. That's a really good point. It's so true. I still feel like I, especially in times like I go back to those tendencies. So it's not like it's just gone. It's still there, but you're so right, capitalizing on the things that are beneficial with those traits and not recognizing those as flaws and within yourself.

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[00:07:43] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah, exactly. So we're going to talk a little bit though. Again, for those of you who've been listening for a longer time, you're going to know that we've talked about this before, that things are, there are good parts to all of these and then there are detrimental parts that we need to work on either, changing or subduing in some sense, so that we can really move forward in a way that's not going to keep us stuck and going back into the Ps.

But one thing that I do really want to, I guess, talk more about today is there are things that. In every one of these areas, but especially in high achievers that really lead to system, our whole nervous system having dysregulation, dysfunction extra stress and a lot of physical even symptoms. Can we kind of go into like, what, what can manifest here if we are, hanging on so tightly to doing everything just right, kind of how you were describing your life.

Where, where could this go? Where can this lead? And what are we, what are the danger signs, I guess, that we're watching for?

[00:08:45] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. What happens is that when we were high achievers, you have a mission, you have a goal, you're going for it. And that's great. Again, that's the benefit of it. Like, you want to go for it, you want to have a drive, you want to have motivation. But when the mission outside yourself becomes greater than the mission within yourself, that's when the problem occurs.

And that's what I experienced throughout my whole life. I was looking for fulfillment outside myself. I thought, Okay, when I get this degree, I'll feel like things are in place. Didn't happen. Went for the next degree. When I hit this degree, things will feel like they're finally whole and I'm, I'm feeling the way I want to feel.

Didn't happen. Went for a third degree. Same thing, never felt that. Went for the job. Constantly I was searching outside myself. And so I was that high achiever that would constantly go for things. I would achieve my goals, I would always get those goals, but. Because I was not taking care of myself within myself, nothing would ever fill that void and I didn't realize at the time I kept hoping that all those external achievements would finally make me feel the way I thought I would feel and I just never did.

So, we have the signs that we want to recognize is like, are we, are we, What's your go to? Like if you're feeling a stressful event, are you going to, okay, I just got to work, I got to check something off my list, I got to just take care of this, I got to just have something done, I got to let me take care of it, help that person, let me spread myself thin, because that can become very natural, and that's what I did for years, I was like, okay, things are, seem a little chaotic, let me it.

Establish some sense of control and control for me was like doing work like that. That was my comfort zone So I would say if you're recognizing that like you're experiencing stress and your first go to is to do something Accomplish something external to yourself.

That's when you need to take a pause and start Looking inside like how am I feeling and how does that make me feel is that helping me short term is that helping me long term.

And that's a big thing because short term it may feel good like you're accomplishing something, but in the long term, is anything changing like do you feel joy in your life do you feel freedom do you feel that and if you're not. That's when we have to start taking moments of calm and stillness. And this is really hard, especially when you're a high achiever, to sit still and just be with your thoughts.

And it's again, one of those things you have to just take baby steps into it. Because for me, I'm like, I don't want to sit my thoughts. Like they're, they were making me crazy, taking those moments to be still recognize. What is the driving force? What are you telling yourself? What are the thoughts that you're actually having and just really look at them from an outsider's point of view?

Because are you just achieving things because you don't feel like you're worthy? Are you just achieving things because? Someone told you this would give you happiness and fulfillment. Like what is the driving force behind that? And that's the big thing. So externally, if someone were to look at your life, like it may seem like you have it all together and it may be fine to do all that work and spend all that time.

But if it's not hitting you inside and it's not making you feel a certain way, that's when you have to start taking a deeper look into it.

[00:11:42] Dawn Calvinisti: I like that you talked about this because I think often for high achievers, we do gravitate towards something that makes us feel fulfilled. And many times that is our work. Or if, your mom and it's the kids or the family, right? So you kind of gravitate to the, the area that Is your comfort zone and at the same time as the one that makes you feel good, right?

So, if you're listening to this and, you're, you're somebody who would go back and work more before you go to bed, right? Like that's how you fill that time. Or you're somebody who's going to go and binge Netflix because that's what you're going to fill your time with. If you can't Sit still.

And again, for those of you who are listening, I know that that might hit hard, but if you can't sit still and be okay with just being with yourself and your thoughts or actually be in the moment with a child and get down on the floor and play with them, because you're thinking of all the things you should go and do instead, because those will give you those quick hits, then, like, this is for you.

This is what we're talking about.

[00:12:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Exactly. That, that's it completely. And, and sometimes you're so on autopilot, you don't even realize that you're not doing that. Like you're not actually present for those moments. And, and those at the end of the day is what, what matters, like being present for the moment, bringing, being present for yourself.

And one other thing, because it sometimes can be hard to even recognize your thoughts, but. Start noticing your body because your body is going to send you signals too. So if you get to the end of the day and your shoulders are up by your ears, you're feeling tension all the time. Maybe you can't go to sleep.

Maybe you feel like jittery in your body. Those are all signs that you need to take a step back. And, and so your body will speak to you too. So it comes from both thoughts, but also from body of like, are you just using staying busy too? Because it's your coping mechanism. It's what's familiar. And that's the thing about our brain is we.

constantly go back to what's familiar, even if it doesn't serve us.

[00:13:32] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, and it's interesting because we're, our brain is just trying to protect us, right? So if it thinks that that is safer than the other, it'll choose it even if it's not actually physically good for us.

[00:13:42] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yes, exactly. That's 100 percent right. Yeah. And it's gonna, it wants to repeat patterns because that is safe. It's predictable. If you work all night and you're checking things off your list, you're taking care of everyone and everything. And you've done this for the last five years. Your brain knows that that in a way is safe because it's predictable and knows what the outcome of that's going to be.

But for you to sit silently, listen to your thoughts, feel your emotions, that's foreign. That is so uncomfortable for your system. And it's also, it's going to just have this like internal resistance to that initially. So when you start, just expect that it's going to feel uncomfortable, but it means you're actually going in the right direction because with discomfort comes growth.

[00:14:25] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, that's a really good point. Do you find that as you're, talking to women and you're working through things, or you're hearing from other people, where they're at, is there ever a point where, where a high achiever can feel like, okay, I still have motivation and drive, like, they don't have to let go of that in order to have that downtime?

[00:14:45] Dr Kelly Kessler: 100 percent Yeah, it actually both the arises everything up in your life. So when you start honoring your own needs, it's not mutually exclusive. It's not like self care or work like what you'll find is that a rising tide raises all ships. So when you start to rise yourself, Elevate your energy, take the time to actually honor yourself, feel like you are in a place that is more resilient mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, you're going to notice that you have more patience and time and effort and motivation and energy for everything else in your life.

So when you take care of yourself, you become a better mom for many reasons, because. First of all, you're taking care of yourself. You're elevating your energy. Now you can be with your kids, but also kids learn by seeing what you're doing. So if you're taking care of yourself, they're going to learn that I need to take care of myself.

So you automatically become a better mom because you're teaching your kids through your actions. You also become better at Doing your business as well, because when you have better energy, when you are showing up with good intention, when you are in a good place, your whole, you're feeling like you are in a, in a elevated state.

Now, everything becomes clear. You're not in survival mode. So your brain actually functions better. It sees things. And there's a beautiful place part in our brain because it's called the reticular activating system. And what that does is filter out the world. So when you are taking care of yourself and you start to set intentions for the day, I'm going to see what's beautiful in the world.

I'm going to see how the world is working for me. Everything is abundant around me. Now your brain actually starts to see more evidence. of that in the world, versus if you say, I'm drained, I'm exhausted, I don't know how much longer I can keep going, your brain will find evidence to prove that. So no matter how you go about it, your brain will find evidence for either one.

So why not choose to see the abundance rather than the scarcity that we often get stuck in?

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[00:16:35] Dawn Calvinisti: I think often these days we hear about hustle culture. And then I hear the opposite end, right, is the burnout that happened because of that hustle. And I'm, I'm finding that many women that come and speak to me are in the stage where they want to have motivation. They want to have goals. They want to have that drive, but because they've now stepped back.

They're almost at that point where I'm afraid, like, I don't know, I don't know how to have that without going all in. And so I see such a struggle there in being able to understand, like, it isn't all or nothing. And yes, you can choose to still hustle in a sense, like, you can still choose to be motivated to do things.

But that doesn't mean that you can't. Take time out in your day. That doesn't mean you can't pursue it with a different intention and different way of looking at it.

[00:17:28] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, a hundred percent. Like you don't have to overhaul your life to actually get benefit from that. Like it's actually the small things that make all the difference. So when you start to take small action, your brain sees that as evidence and your brain loves evidence. So that becomes safe. So when you take a small action, even if it's like, I have a meeting, I'm going to take two minutes to do breath work before this meeting, and then you feel a little bit better, that becomes the evidence like, Oh, okay.

I did that. It worked. I felt better. I'm still getting the results. My business is still thriving. Even though I took that two minutes build on that so you don't have to spend an hour of time taking care of yourself. It can literally be two minutes here and there and just start adding that in. Do the smallest thing possible today even if it's one minute of anything.

Just start giving your brain the evidence that even though I'm incorporating more of the self care. I, my business is not suffering because of that. And you may actually, what you probably see is that you're actually thriving because of that. And then that becomes even stronger evidence, especially as a higher achiever, when your business is thriving and you're taking care of yourself.

You're like, okay, this works as a beautiful combination. So start giving yourself that evidence.

[00:18:35] Dawn Calvinisti: It's interesting, too. Like you're saying, just take a couple of minutes. And I think, again, for high achievers, perfectionist people out there, you might be thinking like, oh, like, I have to go all that way now, or I have to do it all, like, I have to take that whole hour. And I think that's the funny part, is, is understanding your nature to tend to be that way and be able to say, okay, This is something that is a small thing.

This is not something that is, okay, now I'm going to spend two hours every day. I'm going to put it in my schedule. I'm going to make sure it's all there. Like, here we are in January. It's the beginning of a new year. The start doesn't have to be the New Year's resolution of I'm going to lose, 20 pounds in 10 days.

No, it's I'm going to make this small change and I'm going to implement it every day.

[00:19:19] Dr Kelly Kessler: Exactly. That's spot on. Yeah. And I can tell you like what I do is I bookend my day. I start my day out with 10, 15 minutes of something that serves me and it changes. It grows with me. And then I end my day with 10, 15 minutes of something that serves me. But what makes all the difference are those little things.

Like even before I just got on this podcast, like anytime I get on a podcast, like I do some breathing, I shake it out. I say like, let, let The messages flow through me, good intentions, like, it's just a two minute routine I have, but it helps me transition my brain into the next thing. So, I was just lecturing and now I'm doing this, like, I have these transitional things built in.

It doesn't take a lot of time, but it makes such a difference for showing up in the way that you want to show up for each thing in your life.

[00:20:03] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you do that. That is awesome. I think often when we're, we're going through our day, we've become really routined for many of us, or if we're the, kind of fly by the seat of our pants type, we still tend to do it the same way. Like, I love my, my people who just like love to do it spontaneously, but you still do it spontaneously the same way you usually do it.

[00:20:25] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yep, 100%. Yes, exactly. Again, you get ingrained into the patterns of what you're used to, but yeah, if you can start changing those habits, just add a little thing, then now that becomes your new familiar, and that's the beauty of it. You don't have to be consciously aware of like, Okay, now it's two minutes of self care time, like it, you, you just find that like that's your next go to like maybe for you it's scrolling through your phone when you have, a few minutes in between meetings.

Now you just replace that with something that serves you and so it doesn't have to be this overhaul like maybe you add it on to your morning coffee you do morning coffee you don't have to take the morning coffee out just say okay that's my new trigger for doing something better.

[00:21:05] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, I love when we can use those natural reminders. Like, we do this all the time anyway. We're just going to do this other thing at the same time. That's a great tip.

When it comes to being able to connect in with you and, kind of follow everything that you're up to and doing, what's a good place for us to look for you?

[00:21:19] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, probably the best place that you can kind of get everywhere is on my website. It's optimal you, Y O U, healthandwellness. com. So, and then I'm on all socials under Dr. Kelly Kessler.

[00:21:30] Dawn Calvinisti: Perfect. The other thing I know that you have a free quiz that you're giving us called uncover your high achiever type. Are you at risk for compromised wellbeing? So can you tell us a little bit about what we'll find out with this?

[00:21:41] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, so it's a it's a quiz really just to bring awareness of like, how are how well are you doing? So it puts you in four different categories. So if you're really crushing it, you got everything going, you're well being game, you are a harmonious high achiever. So that is like the level like you're doing everything well, keep going, the other level will be like the productivity prioritizer, like, Everything is about productivity that like self care is not even on your radar.

Like, you're not even looking at that. And then there's a high achieving overextender. So you recognize that you need to have self care, but you don't normally know how to integrate it. You're trying you think it's important, but it's just not happening. And then, then there's a fourth one that's very similar to that, but a little bit more into the self care, but it looks at your sleep, your energy levels what you prioritize, some subconscious beliefs about productivity, achievement work.

It takes a look at your support system, whether you feel like you always have to do everything on your own. So it looks at all aspects of your life and then it really puts you into kind of where you are and. gives you really just the awareness of how can you start to move your life forward so you don't have to feel disconnected, you don't have to sacrifice your time with your kids not feeling present, you don't have to feel negative thoughts all the time, so that you can move out of that place.

[00:22:55] Dawn Calvinisti: One thing I always ask every single person that comes on is where are you when it comes to the three P's? Are you more of a people pleaser? Are you more of a perfectionist or are you more of a procrastinator?

[00:23:08] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah, it's a really good question. I would say probably right now the perfectionism is showing up a little bit more. Yeah, I think that's, that's the place where it's like, I have to remind myself I have to be very aware of that showing up because it sneaks in where it's like I'll get stuck and then that leads to that procrastination.

So for me it is like reminding myself to like celebrate my wins to not feel like I have to focus on everything that's not going well focus on everything that I need to do better and so I make a very conscious effort of like At the day, I literally journal like what went well today so that it's, it's built into my routine because I have the tendency, my natural state is to be very like negative, very self critical, like that's my familiar place for me.

So I have things in place to get more removed from that perfectionism tendencies, but for me, that's still one of those things I have to be very aware of. That's. Still in the background of my life.

[00:24:05] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you share that because the reality is we all struggle with one or all three of these. And the fact that you are using some tools to help you, be aware to recognize it to help you move out of it more often. I mean, I think that's the thing is. Is the more that we practice, right? The more that we practice, it's not that it just goes away.

And again, it's that long term, change. But I love that, that you're telling us, like, these are the things that I need to do to do that. And so there's nothing wrong with that. Those are good things to be doing.

[00:24:35] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And it is like the best thing about it was just having that awareness that like, I don't have to live like this. I'm now that I've experienced like not living like this every day, it makes me not want to go back into this tendency. So it makes me want to incorporate those things daily.

That keeps me in a better place. So I don't get into some of those more natural states that I tend to get into.

[00:24:57] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, yeah. If there's anything else that you would like to share, what would it be?

[00:25:03] Dr Kelly Kessler: Yeah I think the biggest thing for me and this was a quote that I heard that literally like changed everything is you get more of what you tolerate and I didn't realize in my life I tolerate so many things because I thought I had to put my dues in. I thought this is just how it is. I have to just do it step wise.

This is how everything goes. I was listening subconsciously to what I was told would bring me happiness in life and And through it all, I was tolerating bad things in my life. I tolerated people overstepping their boundaries, taking advantage of me. I tolerated jobs that I stayed in way too long. I tolerated working all hours of the day, thinking that this is just a means to an end.

And so I would say for anyone listening, like. Take a look at like, what are you tolerating? And what are you telling yourself that you need to tolerate to get your end goal? And even before that, what is your end goal? What do you want your ideal life to look like? What does that dream situation look like?

Because for me, I felt like I was figuring out as I was going. I didn't know what I wanted because I didn't know I was capable of having more than what I was having at that time. So that would be my recommendation.

[00:26:09] Dawn Calvinisti: That is awesome. What a great thing to be looking at and evaluating as you're going through your life. Like, what am I tolerating right now? Make sure that you check out the show notes. Everything there will have the quiz that you can take a look at. You can connect in with Dr. Kelly so that you can be a part of her community, see what she's up to, listen to more of what she's doing.

And don't forget that if you're loving this or there's something that's where you're like, Oh, that is such an important thing for people to know, share it with a friend, share this, this session with a friend, because again, you're the person who's learning and willing to listen. And sometimes others need to have the door opened so that they too can start recognizing and becoming aware.

And that's really what we're talking about. Thank you so much, Dr. Kelly, for being here today. I so appreciate your wisdom and everything that you shared with us.

[00:26:57] Dr Kelly Kessler: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on. I really enjoyed this.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Thanks for listening to today's show. If you found value in what you heard, please share it with a friend and rate and review us on whatever platform you listen on. It really helps get us out to other women who could benefit from listening. 

Check out our show notes for details from the show and to connect with me or our guests. Want to continue the conversation? My website is www.pursueprogress.com or DM me @pursueprogresswithdawn on Instagram. 

Until next week, pursue progress no matter how imperfectly.


Links from this episode:

CONNECT WITH DAWN:

Website: https://www.pursueprogress.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pursueprogresswithdawn.com

Imperfection in Progress Podcast: https://www.pursueprogress.com/podcast

Imperfection in Progress Membership: https://www.pursueprogress.com/imperfectioninprogressmembership

CONNECT WITH KELLY:

Website: https://www.optimalyouhealthandwellness.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drkellykessler

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/drkellykessler/

LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/drkellykessler/

Free Gift: Quiz - Uncover your High Achiever Type: Are you at risk for compromised well-being?

Link to Free Gift: https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/6523f5d49071fa0014122162

OTHER RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS PODCAST:

Umbrella Virtual Solutions: https://www.umbrellavs.com

Book Your Free 30 Minute Strategy Call with the host, Dawn Calvinisti: https://link.theviphub.ca/widget/bookings/dawncalvinisti/strategy

Coming from a background of natural health Dawn has owned multiple businesses as a doula, a childbirth educator, a homeopath and eventually an essential oil based network marketing business.

Dawn spent 7 years building this business to multiple six-figures and reached the top 3% of leaders in just under 3 years.

As a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and procrastinator herself, Dawn created online  summits for women who want to move away from these 3 P’s and find more joy and less stress in life.

She has spoken internationally on multiple podcasts and online summits to inspire women to put themselves on their to-do list without apology. To bring her message to even more women, she launched her podcast “Imperfection in Progress” in January 2023 with a membership site to create community and provide accountability.

Dawn Calvinisti

Coming from a background of natural health Dawn has owned multiple businesses as a doula, a childbirth educator, a homeopath and eventually an essential oil based network marketing business. Dawn spent 7 years building this business to multiple six-figures and reached the top 3% of leaders in just under 3 years. As a recovering people-pleaser, perfectionist and procrastinator herself, Dawn created online summits for women who want to move away from these 3 P’s and find more joy and less stress in life. She has spoken internationally on multiple podcasts and online summits to inspire women to put themselves on their to-do list without apology. To bring her message to even more women, she launched her podcast “Imperfection in Progress” in January 2023 with a membership site to create community and provide accountability.

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